INCH'S STANDARD 

R 3682 

n - * No. LV1. * 

380 

>py 1 

THE CRITIC 






C B* 



A TRAGEDY REHEARSED. 
21 JPramattc pece 

IN TWO ACTS. 

BY RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERtDAN 



\ 






frier, 
-rife 



Hew Yoek: Londok i 

SAMUEL FRENCH & SOK, SAMUEL FRENPK, 

PUBLISHERS, PUBLISHER, 

28 WEST 23d STREET, 89, STRAND; 



- 



_^tfrury Lane, 1779. 

Mr. Dodd. 

^<. . " Palmer. 

^giary " Parsons. 

" Phillimore. 

" King. 

ngle Mrs. Hopkins. 

Characters 

rd Burleigh. Mr. Moody. 

jov. of Tilbury Fort " Wrighten. 

Earl of Leicester — ' F irren 
Sir Walter Raleigh.. " Burton. 
Sir ChrisVr Hatton. " Waldron. 
Master of the Horse " Ksnny. 

Beefeater " Wright 

Whiskerandos " Bannister. 

Sentinel " Heath. 

First Niece Miss Collet. 

Second Niece " Kerby. 

Confidant Mrs. Bradshaw. 

Tilburina Miss Pope. 





<>^^ 




CI 




rt»° 


CHARACTERS. 


Arch, Phil, 1847. 


Park, 1841 


Mr. C. Smith. 


Mr. Chanfrau 


" J. C. Dunn. 


" Stark. 


" Thayer. 


" Bass. 


" Jervis. 


" Jones. 


" G. Barrett. 


" G. Barrett 


Mrs. Rogers. 


Miss Gordon 


of the Tragedy. 




Mr. Jervis. 


Mr. Gallot 


" Greene. 


** Arderson. 


" Wright 


" A. Andrew* 


" Eberle. 


" McDouall 


- Rae. 


" Matthewa, 


" Warden. 


" Milot. 


" Burke. 


" Sprague. 


'• Burton. 


" Fisher. 


" Stewart. 


" Heath. 


Mrs. Dunn. 


Miss Flynn. 


" Ribas. 


Mrs. Burrowa. 


" Hughes. 


" Dyott. 


" Greene. 


" Vernon. 



c 



COSTUMES. 

.DANGLE. — Blue coat, white waistcoat, black pantaloons, black silk stockings, anC 

pumps 
SNLER. — Blue coat, waistcoat, a.--, 1 breeches, ditto silk stockings, pumps an* 

latchets. and cocked hat. 
SIR FRETFUL PLAGIARY.— Brown coat, with steel buttons, embroidered satic 

waistcoat, brown breeches, white s.lk stockings, shoes, buckles, powdered wig and 

tail, three-cornered hat, lace frill /uffles, and gloves. 
PUFF. — Blue coat, white waistcj .t, black pantaloons, black silk stockings, p-napa, 

gloves, and cocked hat. 

Characters of the Tragedy. 

LORD BURLEIGH Dark velvet old English dress, with trunks, cloak, and hat 

with feathers, red stockings, and russet shoes. 

GOVERNOR OF TILBURY FORT.— Crimson velvet robe, body, and trunks, rich- 
ly spangled, crimson stockings, russet boots, hat and feathers, sword, belt, and^ 
gauntlets. 

EARL OF LEICESTER.— Blue or purple velvet body, trunks, and cloak, 
stockings, russet shoes, sword, hat and feathers, and gauntlets. g 

MR WALTER RALEIGH.— Brown velvet shape, with cloak, red stocking 
set shoes, hat and feathers, sword, belt, gauntlets, ruff, &c. ^ 

SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON.— Light blue shape, cloak and belt, hM ' 
thers, bluestocking*, shoes, ruff, and gauntlets. ^at anr< 

MASTER OF THE HORSE— Grpy shape, blue stockings, cloak, h;;t and tea 
thers, sword, belt, gauntlets, and russet shoes. 

BEEFEATER. — Dark velvet shape, yeoman-of-the-guard's coat over, red stock 
ings, ru?set shoes, round, flat, black velvet bat and ribbons, and large ruff. 

WHISKER ANDOS— Black velvet body and trunks, with white siflt puffs, and sil- 
ver buttons, large ruff, white 6hoes with red ribbons, cross-belt and sword, sugar- 
loaf hat, and large plume of various coloured feathers, and ruffles. 

MRS. DANGLE. — Neat white muslin morning dress. 

TILBURINA. — Brocade silk dress, "with hoops, elbow sleeves, with lace ruffles, drest 
open in front, showing white satin richly embroidered petticoat, jewelled stomach- 
er, gloves, and large fan, Queen Elizabeth's frill, crimson satin high-heeled shoes, 
embroidered, full-powdered head-dress ornamented with ace, lappcta, and jewels. 
Second dress: White satin, white shoes, &c. 

CONFIDANT. — Old satin hooped dress of silk, powdered head-dress, with laprAto, 
high-heeled shoes, &c. 

NIECES. — Crimson and green satin robes, white satin dresses, richly spao^ 4 *'* «»< 
veils 




EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 

The ♦• Critic " was obviously suggested by the Duke of 
Buckingham's " Rehearsal," of which, indeed, it is a very pal- 
pable imitation. But in its adaptation to the stage, it is a great 
improvement on its clever prototype. Although many attempts 
have since been made in the same vein, it holds its place as the 
oest "dramatization" of the humors of the green-room and the 
coulisses. In his double capacity of Manager and Author, Sher- 
idan had abundant opportunities for detecting many of those 
characteristic absurdities and unrehearsed stage- effects, which 
he has ingeniously introduced in this piece. 

The character of Sir Fretful Plagiary is generally believed 
to have been intended for Cumberland, author of " The West 
Indian," and one or two more successful, and some dozen un- 
successful plays. The surmise is probably not unfounded. A 
day or two after the production of one of Sheridan's Comedies, 
it is said, a friend met the author, and told him he had seen Cum- 
berland at the theatre on its representation. " Ah, well," re- 
plied Sheridan, •' what did he say to it ?" " He wasn't seen to 
Smile from the beginning to the end of the Comedy," said the 
friend. " Come, now, that's very ungrateful of him," retorted 
Sheridan ; " for I went to see his tragedy the other evening, 
and laughed through the whole of it." 

* k Mr. Puff's histo/y of the art and mystery of puffing," says 
a London theatrical critic, " like Touchstone's several degrees 
of the lie, is humorous and legitimate satire. Shendon, from 
his promiscuous and unrestrained intercourse with society, hign 
and low, literary and illiterate, had a perfect knowledge of life 
in all its singular varieties, from the six-bottle bon vivant to the 
mere newspaper hack, who dives for a dinner. Our author took 
the hint of the auctioneers from Foote's farce of * The Minor,' 
^Foote having the original before him in the celebrated Lang- 



IV EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 

ford,) which Morton, considering as fair game, has made e\ el- 
lent use of in Sir Abel Handy's scene w : th Farmer Ashfield, ia 
the comedy of ' Speed the Plough.' Dangle and Sneer are in- 
troduced chiefly for the purpose of shewing up Sir Fretful and 
^uff. Dangle, who is said to have been intended for a Mr. 
Thomas Vaughan, author of ' The Hotel,' is one of those tbe« 
fttrical amateurs, who besiege a manager with impertinent flattery 
and gratuitous advice — one of those green-room loungers, 
4 Who for a play-house freedom sell their own; 1 

while Mr. Sneer is one of those carping characters, who Inherit 
wit in the same degree with the ape, — he has just sufficient to 
make him mischievous. It would seem that ' The Critic' was 
intended as a good-humored advertisement to the tragedy-writers 
of that day, not to offer any more of their productions to the 
manager of Drury Lane. We have for some time past been 
wanting just such another seasonable hint to stop the importation 
of certain tragedies, the authors of which are gentlemen of very 
violent words with very timorous meanings ; who load their lan- 
guage with fustian and finery, to hide the poverty and nakedness 
of their sentiment. 

"It is impossible to conceive any thing in comedy finer than 
the original cast of ' The Critic' Dodd, Parsons, Palmer, King, 
Bannister, and Miss Pope ! Acting never went beyond Parsons 
in Sir Fretful. Farren is good — Matthews is better— but Par- 
sons was supreme. Tom King, as Puff, had an unceasing viva- 
city, a true comic spirit, a neat and rapid delivery— every word 
told. This attention to a clear and distinct enunciation made 
nim one of the best prologue-speakers on the stage. King, to an 
unblushing effrontery, added considerable smartness and whim. 
In impudent, pragmatical varlets, he was unrivalled. Liston 
hard! v came up to Bannister in Don Ferolo Wliiskerandos. His 
acting was certainly inferior. But then Liston's countenance — 
the antipodes of tragedy — became a thousand times more comical 
from its outre association with daggers and blank verse. The 
very idea that Liston was going to be pathetic was enough to 
convulse an audience. We have seen him die in a very droll 
manner, — but his queer expostulation with Mr. Puff, that ' hi 
couldn't stay dying all night,' was, perhaps, his most ludicrous 



EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. \ 

effect It was when Liston felt his dignity offended, and he en- 
deavored to appear hurt, that he was most irresistible. Miss 
Pope, in Tilburina, never had an equal. Her ample hoop — her 
costume — (stark mad, in white satin!) — her love-lorn raving« 
were the tip-to.p of burlesque tragedy. Often have we been de- 
lighted with the humor of this exquisite actress, of whom 
Churchill so truly prophecied. Hers was a style, of which mo- 
dern play-goers can have not the least idea. It was of the old 
school, the result of genius, study and observation. Mr. Faw- 
sett's performance of Puff savors too much of his Caleb Quotem 
— he repeats the good things, as it were, by rote ; Mr. Jones 
is more of the author, who feels some anxiety fcr the suc- 
cess of his tragedy. He has a fidgety impatience about him, 
to which the peculiarity of his face and figure gives great 
effect. He looks like a gentleman who lives by his wits, and 
who seldom dines, but at other people's expense. Of the 
history of his mendacious arts, we believe every word ; we 
are certain, in this instance, that he is not tilling us a lie! 
We may here remark, that an actor of Moody's genius did 
not disdain the character of Lord Burleigh, in which 

' More is meant than meets the ear :' 
but Moody could do more by a single shake of the head, than 
many who. in the present day, are accounted good comedians, 
can do by chattering and grinning for an hour upon the stretch." 
From this description it will be seen of what consequence 
the smallest characters in this admirable farce were consid- 
ered in the palmy days of the theatre. The starring system 
has broken up the old schools of acting ; and now, in order 
to see a prominent part well played, we must be content to 
have all the others of a play indifferently represented. The 
Critic was first acted at Drury Lane in the year 1779; and 
it is always a favorite piece upon the American slsge, 



T II E CRITIC 



act i . 



Scene I.— Breakfast table,with coffee-equipage, two hairs 
Mu. (l.) a%d 'Mrs. Dangle, (r.) discovered at break- 
fast, reading -newspaper. 

Dan. [Reading.] Pshaw '.—Nothing but politics— and I 
hate all politics but theatrical politics.— Where's the 
Morning Chronicle'? 

Mrs. I). Yes, that's your Gazette. 
Van. So, here we have it. — 

« Theatrical intelligence extraordinary." — We hear there 
is a new tragedy in rehearsal at Drury Lane Theatre, 
called the * Spanish Armada; said to be written by Mr. 
Puff, a gentleman well known in the theatrical world: if 
we may allow ourselves to give credit to the report of the 
performers, who, truth to say, are in general hut indifferent 
judges, this pieie abounds with the most striking and re- 
ceived! beauties of modern composition." — So! I am very 
glad my friend Puff's tragedy is in such forwardness.— 
Mrs. Dangle, my dear, you will be very glad to hear that 
Puff's tragedy — 

Mrs. D. Lord, Mr. Dangle, why will you plague me 
about such nonsense?— Now the plays are begun, I shall 
have no peace.— Isn't it sufficient to make yourself ridi- 
culous by your passion for the theatre, without continual- 
ly teazing me to join you? "Why can't you ride youi 
hobby-horse without desiring to place me on a pillion be- 
Bind you, Mr. Dangle ( 

Dan. Nay, my dear, 1 was only going to read — 

Mrs D. No, no, you will never read anything that'i 



THE CRITIC. 

worth listening to: — haven't you made yourself the jest 
of all your acquaintance by your interference in matters 
where you have no business 1 Are you not called a thea- 
trical Quidnunc, and a mock Maecenas to second-hand au- 
thors ? 

Dan. True ; my power with the Managers is pretty 
notorious ; but is it no credit to have applications from 
all quarters for my interest 1 — From lords to recommend 
fiddlers, from ladies to get boxes, from autho7's to get an 
swers, and from actors to get engagements. 

Mrs. D. Yes, truly; you have contrived to get a share 
in all the plague and trouble of theatrical property, with- 
out the profit, or even the credit of the abuse that attends 
it. 

Dan. I am sure, Mrs. Dangle, you are no loser by it, 
however; you have all the advantages of it: mightn't 
you, last winter, have had the reading of the new panto- 
mime a fortnight previous to its performance ? And 
doesn't Mr. N otter let you take places for a play before 
it is advertised, and set you down for a box for every new 
piece through the season ] And didn't my friend, Mr 
Smatter, dedicate his last farce to you, at my particulai 
request, Mrs. Dangle ? 

Mrs. D. [Rising.] Yes, but wasn't the farce damned, 
Mr. Dangle 1 And to be sure it is extremely pleasant to 
have one's house made the motley rendezvous of all the 
lackeys of literature. 

Lan. Mrs. Dangle, Mrs. Dangle, you will not easily 
persuade me that there is no credit or importance in be- 
ing at the head of a band of critics, who take upon them 
to decide for the whole town, whose opinion and patron- 
age all writers solicit, and whose recommendation no ma- 
nager dares refuse ! 

Mrs. D. Ridiculous ! — Both managers and authors of 
the least merit laugh at your pretensions. The Public is 
their Critic — without whose fair approbation they know 
no play can rest on the stage, and with whose applause 
they welcome such attacks as yours, and laugh at the ma- 
l!ce of them, where they can't at the wit. 

Dan. Very well, madam, very well. 

Enter Servant, l. 
6V'j Mr. Sneer, sir, to wait on you. 



THE .RITJC. b 

Dan. Oh, show Mr. Sneer up. [Exit Servant, l ] Plague 
on't, now we must appear loving and affectionate, or 
Sneer will hitch us into a story. 

Mrs. D. "With all my heart ; you can't be more ridicu- 
lous than you are. 

Dan. You are enough to provoke — 

Enter Mr. Sneer, l. 

Ha, my dear Sneer, I am vastly glad to see you. My 
dear, here's Mr. Sneer ; Mr. Sneer, my dear ; my dear. 
Mr. Sneer. 

Mrs. D. Good morning to you, sir. 

Dan. Mrs. Dangle and I have been diverting ourselves 
with the papers. Pray, Sneer, won't you go to Drury 
Lane theatre the first night of Puff's tragedy ? 

Sneer. Yes ; but I suppose one shan't be able to get in, 
for on the first night of a new piece they always fill the 
house with orders to support it. But here, Dangle, 1 
have brought you two pieces, one of which you must ex- 
ert yourself to make the managers accept, I can tell you 
that, for 'tis written by a person of consequence. 

[Gives Dangle two manuscripts. 

Dan. [Reading.] " Bursts into tears, and exit." What, 
is this a tragedy 1 

Sneer. No, that's a genteel comedy, not a translation — 
only taken from the French ; it is written in a style which 
they have lately tried to run down ; the true sentimental, 
and nothing ridiculous in it from the beginning to the 
end. 

Mrs. D. Well, if they had kept to that, I should not 
have been such an enemy to the stage ; there was some 
edification to be got from those pieces, Mr. Sneer. 

Sneer. [Crossing, c] 1 am quite* of your opinion, Mrs. 
Dangle. 

Dan. [Looking at the other MS.] But what have we 
here 1 — This seems a very odd — 

Sneer. Oh, that's a comedy, on a very new plan ; re- 
plete with wit and mirth, yet of a most serious moral? 
You see it is called " The Reformed Housebreaker;" 
where, by the mere force of humour, housebreaking is 
put into so ridiculous a l'ght, that if the piece has its pro 
per run, I have no doubt but that bolts and bars will be 
entirely useless by the end of llic season. 



10 THE CRITIC. Act ) 

Dan. Egad, this is new, indeed ! 

Sneer. Yes ; it is written by a particular friend of mine, 
who has discovered that the follies and foibles of society 
are subjects unworthy notice of the Comic Muse, who 
should be taught to stoop only at the greater vices and 
Dlacker crimes of humanity — gibbetting capital offences 
in five acts, and pillorying petty larcenies in two. — In 
short, his idea is to dramatize the penal laws, and make 
the stage a court of ease to the Old Bailey. 

Dan. That is to unite poetry and justice indeed ! 

Enter Servant, l. 

Serv. Sir Fretful Plagiary, sir. 

Dan. Beg him to walk up. [Exit Servant, l.] Now, 
Mrs. Dangle, Sir Fretful Plagiary is an author to youi 
own taste. 

Mrs. D. I confess he is a favourite of mine, because 
every body else abuses him. 

Sneer. Very much to the credit of your charity, madam, 
if not of your judgment. 

Dan. But, egad, he allows no merit to any author but 
himself, that's the truth on't — though he's my friend. 

Sneer. Never ! He is as envious as an old maid verg- 
ing on the desperation of six-and-thirty. 

Dan. Very true, egad — though he's my friend. 

Sneer. Then his affected contempt of all newspapei 
strictures ; though, at the same time, he is the sorest man 
alive, and shrinks, like scorched parchment, from the fiery 
ordeal of true criticism. 

Dan. There's no denying it — though he is my friend. 

Sneer. You have read the tragedy he has just finished, 
haven't you ] 

Dan. Oh, yes ; he sent it to me yesterday. 

Sneer. Well, and you think it execrable, don't you ? 

Dan. Why, between ourselves, egad I must own — 
Jiough he's my friend — that it is one of the most — He'a 
here — [Aside.] finished and most admirable perform — 

Sir F. [ Without, l.] Mr. Sneer with him, did you say ? 

Enter Sir Fretful, l. He crosses to l. c. 

Dan. Ah, my dear friend ! — Egad, we were just speak' 
ing of your tragedy. — Admirable, Sir Fretful, admirable I 



BCENKI.J THE CRITI °- l ' 

Sneer, (r. c.) You never did any thing beyond it Sii 
Fretful — never in your life. 

Sir F (l c.) You make me extremely happy ; Iot 
without a compliment, my dear Sneer, there isn't a man 
in the world whose judgment I value as I do yours— and 
Mr. Dangle's. 

Mrs. D. (r.) They are only laughing at you, bir * ret- 
ful, for it was but just now that — 

Dan. (l.) Mrs. Dangle ! Ah, Sir Fretful, you know 
Mrs. Dangle. My friend, Sneer, was rallying just now— 
He knows how she admires you, and — 

Sir F Oh Lord, I am sure Mr. Sneer has more taste 
and sincerity than to— [Aside,] A damned double-faced 

fellow ! . 

Dan. Yes, yes— Sneer will jest— but a better humour- 

ed— 

Sir F. Oh, I know— 

Dan. He has a ready turn for ridicule— his wit costs 

him nothing. , 

Sir F. [Aside.\ No, egad— or I should wonder how he 

came by it. 

Dan. But, Sir Fretful, have you sent your play to the 
managers yet % or can I be of any service to you 1 

Si? F. No, no, I thank you ; I sent it to the manager 
of Covent Garden Theatre this morning. 

Sneer. I should have thought, now, that it might have 
been cast (as the actors call it,) better at Drury Lane 

Sir F Oh, lud ! no — never send a play there while 1 
live— harkee ! [ Whispers Sneer. 

Sneer. " Writes himself!" I know he does— 

Sir F. I say nothing— I take away from no man's merit 
—am hurt at no man's good fortune— I say nothing— But 
this I will say— through all my knowledge of life, I have 
observed— that there is not a passion so strongly rooted 
in the human heart as envy ! 

Sneer. I believe you have reason for what you say, in- 
deed. . « 

Sir F. Besides— I can tell you it is not always so sale 
to leave a play in the hands of those who write them- 
selves. 

Sneer. What, they may steal from them, hey, my deaf 

Plaaiarv 1 



12 THE CRITIC. [Acl 1 

Sir F. Steal! — to be sure they may ; ai d, egad, serve 
your best thoughts as gypsies do stolen children — disfigure 
them to make 'em pass for their own. 

Sneer. But your present work is a sacrifice to Melpo 
mene, and he, you know, never — 

Sir F. That's no security. A dexterous plagiarist may 
do anything. — Why, sir, for aught I know, he might take 
out some of the best things in my tragedy, and put them 
into his own comedy. 

Sneer. That might be done, I dare be sworn. 

Sir F. And then, if such a person gives you the leasS 
hint or assistance, he is devilish apt to take the merit of 
the whole- 
Daw. If it succeeds. 

Sir F. Aye — but with regard to this piece, I think I 
can hit that gentleman, for I can safely swear he never 
read it. 

Sneer. I'll tell you how you may hurt him more — 

Sir F. How 1 

Sneer. Swear he wrote it. 

Sir F. Plague on't now, Sneer, I shall take it ill. I 
believe you want to take away my character as an author ! 

Sneer. Then I am sure you ought to be very much 
obliged to me. 

Sir F. Hey !— Sir ! 

Dan. Oh, you know, he never means what he says. 

Sir F. Sincerely, then — you do like the piece % 

Sneer. Wonderfully ! 

Sir F. But come, now, there must be something that 
you think might be mended, hey] — Mr. Dangle, has no- 
thing struck you 1 

Dan. Why, faith, it is but an ungracious thing, for the 
most part, to — 

Sir F. With most authors it is just so, indeed ; they 
are in general strangely tenacious !- — But, for my part, I 
am never so well pleased as when a judicious critic points 
out any defect to me ; for what is the purpose of showing 
a work to a friend, if you don't mean to profit by his opi- 
nion 1 

Sneer. Very true. Why, then, though 1 seriously ad- 
mire the piece upon the whole, yet there is one small ob- 
jection ', which, if you'll give me leave, I'll mention. 



Scene f THE CRITIC. 13 

Sir F. Sir, you can't oblige me more. 

Sneer. I think it wants incident. 

Sir F Good God ! — you surprise me ! — wants inci- 
dent ! 
- Sneer. Yes ; I own I think the incidents are too few. 

Sir F. Good God ! — Believe me, Mr. Sneer, there is 
no person for whose judgment I have a more implicit de- 
ference. But I protest to you, Mr. Sneer, I am only ap- 
prehensive that the incidents are too crowded. My dear 
Dangle, how does it strike you ? 

Dan. Really, I can't agfee with my friend Sneer. I 
think the plot quite sufficient ; and the four first acts by 
many degrees the best I ever read or saw in my life. If 
I might venture to suggest anything, it is that the interest 
rather falls off in the fifth. 

Sir F. Rises, I believe you mean, sir — 

Dan. No: I don't, upon my word. 

Sir F. Yes, yes, you do, upon my soul — it certainly 
don't fall off, I assure yeu. — No, no, it don't fall off. 

Dan. Now, Mrs. Dangle, didn't you say it struck you 
in the same light ? 

Mrs. D. (r.) No, indeed, I did not — I did not see a 
fault in any part of the play from the beginning to the 
end. 

Sir F. [Crossing to .Mrs. Dangle.] Upon my soul, the 
women are the best judges after all !• 

Mrs. D. Or, if I made any objection, I am sure it was 
to nothing in the piece ! but that I was afraid it was, on 
the whole, a little too long:. 

Sir F. Pray, madam, do you speak as to duration of 
time ; or do you mean that the story is tediously spun 
out ? 

Mrs. D. Oh, hid ! no. I speak only with reference to 
the usual length of acting plays. 

Sir F. Then I am very happy — very happy, indeed — 
because ;he play is a short play, a remarkably short play j 
I should not venture to differ with a lady on a point of 
taste ; but, on these occasions, the watch, you know, is the 
critic. 

Mrs. D. Then, I suppose, it must have been Mr. Dan- 
le's drawling manner of reading it to me. 

St? F. [Crosses, l., and Imek U r. c.J Oh, if Mr Dan* 



l\ THE CRITIC. [Act " 

gle read it, that's quite another affair ! But I assure you 
Mrs. Dangle, the first evening you can spare me three 
houi's and an half, I'll undertake to read you the whole, 
from beginning to end, with the Prologue and Epilogue, 
and allow time for the music between the acts. 

Mrs. D. I hope to see it on the stage next. Exit,, r. 
Dan. Well, Sir Fretful, I wish you may be able to get 
rid as easily of the newspaper criticisms as you do of 
ours. 

Sir F. [Crosses, c] The newspapers ! — Sir, they are 
the most villainous — licentious — abominable — infernal— 
Not that I ever read them! no! I make it a rule never 
to look into a newspaper. 

Dan. (l.) You are quite right — for it certainly must 
hurt an author of delicate feelings to see the liberties they 
take. 

Sir F. No ! — quite the contrary ; their abuse is, in fact, 
the best panegyric — I like it, of all things. An author's 
reputation is only in danger from their support. 

Sneer, (r.) Why, that's true — and that attack now on 
you the other day — 

Sir F. What ? where 1 

Dan. Aye, you mean in a paper of Thursday ; it was 
completely ill-natured, to be sure. 

Sir F. Oh, so much the better — Ha ! ha ! ha ! — ] 
wouldn't have it otherwise. 

Dan. Certainly, it is only to be laughed at ; for — 

Sir F. You don't happen to recollect what the fellow 
said, do you 1 

Sneer. Pray, Dangle — Sir Fretful seems a little anx- 
ious ! 

Sir F. Oh, lud, no ! — anxious — not I — not the least, I 
— But one may as well hear, you know. 

Dan. Sneer, do you recollect? — [.AszVfe.] Make out 
something. 

Sneer. I will. [To Dangle.] Yes, yes, I remember per- 
fectly. 

Sir F. Well, and pray, now — not that it signifies, what 
might the gentleman say 1 

Sneer. Why he roundly asserts that you have not the 
slightest invention or original genius whatever ; though 
you are the greatest traducer of all other authors living. 

Sir F. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Very good ! 



SCENE I.] THE CRITIC. ] j 

Sneer. That, as to comedy, you have not one idea of 
your own, lie believes, even in your common-place book, 
whore stray jokes and pilfered witticisms are kept with as 
much method as the ledger of the Lost and Stolen Office. 

Sir F Ha ! ha ! ha ! Very pleasant ! 

Sneer. Nay, that you are so unlucky as not to have the 
skill even to steal, with taste : but that you glean from the 
refuse of obscure volumes, where more judicious plagia- 
rists have been before you ; so that the body of your 
work is a composition of dregs and sediments, like a bad 
tavern's worst wine. 

Sir F. Ha ! ha ! 

Sneer. In your most serious efforts, he says, your bom- 
bast would be less intolerable, if the thoughts were ever 
suited to the expression; but the homeliness of the senti- 
ment stares through the fantastic encumbrance of its fine 
language, like a clown in one of the new uniforms ! 

Sir F. Ha ! ha ! 

Sneer. That your occasional tropes and flowers suit the 
general coarseness of your style, as tambour sprigs would 
aground oflinsey-woolsey ; while your imitations of Shak- 
speare resemble the mimicry of Falstaff's Page, and are 
about as near the standard of the original. 

Sir F. Ha! 

r. In short, that even the finest passages you steal 
are of no service to you; for the poverty of your own 
language prevents their assimilating ; so that they lie on 
the surface like lumps of marl on a barren moor, encum- 
bering what it is not in their power to fertilize! 

Sir F. [After great agitation.'] Now, another person 
would be vexed at this. 

Sneer. Oh ! but I wouldn't have told you, only to divert 
you. 

Sir F I know it — I am diverted — Ha ! ha ! ha ! — not 
the least invention! — Ha! ha! ha! very good! very 
good ! 

Sneer. Yes — no genius ! Ha! ha! ha! 

Dan. A severe rogue! ha! ha! But you are quite 
right, Sir Fretful, never to r§ad such nonsense. 

Sir F To be sure — for, if there is any thing to one's 
praise, it is a foolish vanity to be gratified at it ; and it' it 
is abuse— why one is always sure to hear of it from One 
damned good-natured friend or another! 



16 THE CRITIC. [Act L 

Enter Servant, l. 

Serv. Mr. Puff, sir, has sent word that the last rehear- 
sal is to be this morning, and that he'll call on you pre- 
sently. 

Dan. That's true — I shall certainly be at home. [Exit 
Servant, l.] Now, Sir Fretful, if you have a mind to have 
justice done you in the way of answer — Egad, Mr. Puff's 
your man. 

Sir F. Pshaw ! sir, why should I wish to have it an- 
swered, when I tell you I am pleased at it ? 

Dan. True, I had forgot that. But I hope you are not 
fretted at what Mr. Sneer — 

Sir F. Zounds ! no, Mr. Dangle, don't I tell you these 
things never fret me in the least. 

Dan. Nay, I only thought — 

Sir F. And let me tell you, Mr. Dangle, 'tis damned 
affronting in you to suppose that I am hurt, when I tell 
you I am not. 

Sneer. But why so warm, Sir Fretful? 

Sir F. Gadslife ! Mr. Sneer, you are as absurd as Dan- 
gle: how often must I repeat it to you, that nothing can 
vex me but your supposing it possible for me to mind the 
damned nonsense you have been repeating to me ! — And 
let me tell you, if you continue to believe this, you must 
mean to insult me, gentlemen — and then your disrespect 
will affect me no more than the newspaper criticisms — 
and I shall treat it with exactly the. same calm indiffer- 
ence and philosophic contempt — and so, your servant. 

[Exit, l. 

Sneer. Ha! ha! ha! Poor Sir Fretful ! Now will he 
go and vent his philosophy in anonymous abuse of all 
modern critics and authors. But, Dangle, you must get 
your friend Puff to take me to the rehearsal of his trage- 
dy. 

Dan. I'll answer for it, he'll thank you foi desiring It, 

He-enter Servant, l. 

Serv. Mr. Puff, sir. 
Dan. My dear Puff! 

Enter Puff, l. 
Puff. My dear Dangle, how is it with you? 



Sckse I.] THE CRITIC. 17 

Dan. Mr. Sneer, give me leave to introduce Mr. Puff 
to you. 

Puff. Mr. Sneer is this? [Crossing to Sneer.] Sir, he is 
a gentleman whom I have long panted for the honour of 
Knowing — a gentleman, whose critical talents and Iran 
ecendant judgment — 

Sneer. Dear sir — 

Dcm. Nay, don't be modest, Sneer; my friend Puff on- 
ly talks to you in the style of his profession. 

Sneer. His profession ! 

Puff. Yes, sir ; I make no secret of the trade I follow 
— among friends and brother authors; Dangle knows I 
love to be frank on the subject, and to advertise myself 
viva voce. — I am, sir, a Practitioner in Panegyric, or, to 
speak more plainly — a Professor of the Art of Puffing, at 
your service — or anybody else's. 

Sneer. Sir, you are very obliging ! — I believe, Mr. Puff, 
I have often admired your talents in the daily prints. 

Puff. Yes, sir, I flatter myself I do as much business 
in that way as any six of the fraternity in town — Devilish 
hard work all the summer — Friend Dangle never worked 
harder! — But, harkye — the Winter Managers were a lit- 
tle sore, I believe. 

Dan. No ! I believe they took it all in good part. 

Puff. Aye ! Then that must have been affectation in 
them ; for, egad, there were some of the attacks which 
there was no laughing at. 

Sneer. Aye, the humorous ones. But I should think, 
Mr. Puff, that authors would in general be able to do this 
sort of work for themselves. 

Puff. Why, yes — but in a clumsy way. Besides, we 
look on that as an encroachment, and so take the oppo- 
site side. I dare say, now, you conceive half the very 
civil paragraphs and advertisements you see, to be writ- 
ten by the parties concerned, or their friends? No such 
thing. Nine out of ten, manufactured by me in the way 
i)f business. 

Sneer. Indeed ! 

Puff. Even the auctioneers, now — the auctioneers, I 
say, though the rogues have lately got some credit for 
their language — not an article of the merit their' s ! — Tnke 
them out of their pulpits, and the} are as dull as cata- 



18 THE CRITIC. [Act i 

loeues ! — No, sir ; 'twas I first enriched their style — 'twas 
I first taught them to crowd their advertisements with 
panegyrical superlatives, each epithet rising above the 
other — like the bidders in their own auction-rooms ! From 
me they learned to enlay their phraseology with variega- 
ted chips of exotic metaphor : by me, too, their inventive 
faculties were called forth. Yes, sir, by me they were 
instructed to clothe ideal walls with gratuitous fruit — to 
insinuate obsequious rivulets into visionary groves — to 
teach courteous shrubs to nod their approbation of the 
grateful soil ! or, on emergencies, to raise upstart oaks, 
where there never had been an acorn; to create a de- 
lightful vicinage, without the assistance of a neighbour; 
or fix the temple of Hygeia in the fens of Lincolnshire ! 

Dan. I am sure you have done them infinite service ; 
for now, when a gentleman is ruined, he parts with Ins 
house with some credit. 

S?ieer. Service ! if they had any gratitude, they would 
erect a statue to him. But pray, Mr. Puff, what first put 
you on exercising your talents in this way 1 

Puff. Egad, sir, sheer necessity, the proper parent of 
an art so nearly allied to invention ; you must know, Mr. 
Sneer, that from the first time I tried my hand at an ad- 
vertisement, my success was such, that, for some time af- 
ter, I led a most extraordinary life, indeed ! 

Sneer. How, pray '? 

Puff. Sir, I supported myself two years entirely by 
my misfortunes. 

Sneer. By your misfortunes ? 

Puff. Yes, sir, assisted by long sickness, and other oc- 
casional disorders ; and a very comfortable living I had 
of it. 

Sneer. From sickness and misfortune ! 

Puff. Harkee ! — By advertisements — " To the charita- 
ble and humane !" and " To those whom Providence hath 
blessed with affluence !" 

Sneer. Oh — I understand you. 

Puff. And, in truth, i deserved what I got ; for I sup- 
pose never man went through such a series of calamities 
in tne same space of time ! — Sir, I was i\\u times made a 
bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence, by a 
train of unavoidable misfortune? ! Then, sir, though a 



Scene I.] ™ F < CRITIC 19 

very industrious tradesman, I was twice burnt out, and 
lost my little all, both times ! I lived upon those files a 
month, I soon after was confined by a most excruciating 
disorder, and lost the use of my limbs ! That told very 
well ; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about 
to collect the subscriptions myself. 

Dan. Egad, I believe that was when you first called on 

Puff. What, in November last ?— Oh, no! When I 
called on you I was a close prisoner in the Marshalsea, 
for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend ! I 
was afterwards twice tapped for a dropsy, which declined 
into a very profitable consumption 1 1 was then reduced 

jo Oh, no — then, 1 became a widow with six helpless 

children — after having had eleven husbands pressed, and 
beino- left every time eight months gone with child, and 
without money to get me into an hospital i 

Sneer. And you bore all with patience, I make no 
doubt 1 

Puff. Why, yes, — though I made some occasional at- 
tempts Btfelo dc se ; but as I did not find those rash ac- 
tions answer, I left off' killing myself very soon. Well, 
si r — a t last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, 
imprisonments, and other valuable calamities, having got 
together a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a 
business which had always gone rather against my con- 
science, and in a more liberal way still to indulge my ta- 
lents for fiction and embellishments, through my favourite 
channels of diurnal communication — and so, sir, you have 
my history. 

Sneer. Moat obligingly communicative, indeed. But 
surely, Mr. Puff, there is no great mystery in your present 
profession ? 

Puff. Mystery ! Sir, I will take upon me to say the 
matter was never scientifically treated, nor reduced to 
rule, before. 

Sneer. Reduced to rule 1 

Puff. Oh, hid, sir ! you are very ignorant, I am afraid. 
_Yes, sir— Puffing is of various sorts:— the principal 
aj-e — the Puff direct— the Puff' preliminary— the Puff' 
collateral — the Puff' collusive — and the Puff* oblique, or 
Puff by implication. These all assume, as circumstances 



20 THE CRITIC. [Act I 

require, the \arious forms of— better to the Editor — Oc 
casional Anecdote — Impartial Critique — Observation from 
Correspondent — or Advertisements from the Party. 

Sneer. The Puff direct, I can conceive — 

Puff. Oh, yes, that's simple enough — for instance — A 
new Comedy or Farce is to be produced at one of the 
theatres (though, by the bye, they don't bring out half 
what they ought to do) : the author, suppose Mr. Smat- 
ter, or Mr. Dapper, or any particular friend of mine — • 
very well ; the day before it is to be performed, 1 write 
an account of the manner in which it was received — 
I have the plot from the author — and only add — Charac- 
ters strongly drawn — highly coloured — hand of a master 
— fund of genuine humour — mine of invention — neat 
dialogue — attic salt ! — Then for the performance — Mr. 
Baker was astonishingly great in the character of Sir 
Harry! That universal and judicious actor, Mr. Eger- 
ton, perhaps never appeared to more advantage than in 
the Colonel : but it is not in the power of language to 
do justice to Mr. Jones ! — Indeed, he more than merited 
those repeated bursts of applause which he drew from a 
most brilliant and judicious audience ! In short, we are 
at a loss which to admire most — the unrivalled genius of 
the author, the great attention and liberality of the ma- 
nagers, the wonderful abilities of the painter, or the in- 
credible exertions of all the performers ! 

Sneer. That's pretty well, indeed, sir. 

Puff. Oh, cool, quite cool, to what 1 sometimes do. 

Sneer. And do you think there are any who are influ- 
enced by this ? 

Puff. Oh, hid ! yes, sir ; the number of those who un- 
dergo the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small 
indeed ! 

Dan. Ha ! ha ! ha ! — 'gad, I know it is so. 

Puff: As to the Puff oblique, or Puff by implication, it 
is too extensive, and branches into so many varieties, that 
it is impossible to be illustrated by an instance; it is the 
last principal class of the Art of Puffing — an art which 
I hope you will now agree with me. is of the highest dig 
nity. 

Sneer. Sir, I am completely a convert both to (he im- 
portance and ingenuity of your profession ; and now, sir, 



Scene I.] 



THE CRITIC. 21 



there is but one thing which can possibly increase my 
respect for you, and that is, your permitting me to be 
present this morning at the rehearsal of your new trage — 

Puff. Hush, for Heaven's sake. — My tragedy ! — Egad, 
Dangle, I take this very il ; you know how apprehensive 
T am of being known to be the author. 

Dan. 'Ifaith, I would not have told ; but it's in the pa- 
pers, and your name at length — in the Morning Chroni- 
cle. 

Puff. Ah ! those damned editors never can keep a se- 
cret ! Well, Mr. Sneer — no doubt you will do me great 
honour — I shall be infinitely happy — highly flattered. 

Dan. I believe it must be near the time — shall we g« 
together ? 

Puff. No ; it will not be yet this hour, for they are al- 
ways late at that theatre : besides, I must meet you there, 
for I have some little matters to send to the papers, and a 
few paragraphs to scribble before I go. [Looking at ?ne- 
morandums.] Here is ' a Conscientious Baker, on the 
Subject of the Army Bread,' and 'a Detester of Visible 
Brick-work, in favour of the new-invented Stucco ;' both 
in the style of Junius, and promised for to-morrow. — 
Here is an invention for the running our mail-coaches by 
steam, and lighting them by gas. — 1 have also a very in- 
genius design for a self-acting air-pump, to be fixed in the 
confined streets, which is to supersede the necessity of 
country excursions for the benefit of the health. Here 
are likewise many other valuable memorandums, most of 
which, I have no doubt, but I shall render equally prac- 
ticable, and of the greatest importance to the nation. So, 
t»gad, I have not a moment to lose. [Exeunt. 

END OF ACT I. 



22 THE CRITIC. [ActU 

ACT II. 

Scene I. — The Theatre, 

fanler Dangle, Puff, and Sneer, l., as before the Cm 
tain, — *hree chairs on l. 

Puff, (c.) No, no, sir ; what Shakspeare says of actors 
nay be better applied to the purpose of plays : they ought 
to be 'the abstract and brief chronicles of the times. 
Therefore when history, and particularly the history of 
our own country, furnishes anything like a case in point, 
to the time in which an author writes, if he knows his 
own interest, he will take advantage of it ; so, sir, I call 
my tragedy, 'The Spanish Armada;' and have laid the 
scene before Tilbury Fort. 

Sneer, (r.) A most happy thought, certainly ! 

Dan. Egad, it was ; I told you so. But pray, now, I 
don't understand how you have contrived to introduce any 
love into it. 

Puff. Love ! — Oh, nothing so easy : for it is a received 

Eoint among poets, that where history gives you a good 
eroic outline for a play, you may fill up with a little love 
at your own discretion : in doing which, nine times out 
of ten, you only make up a deficiency in the private his- 
tory of the times. Now I rather think 1 have done this 
with some success. 

Sneer. No scandal about Queen Elizabeth, I hope 1 

Puff. Oh, lud ! no, no. I only suppose the Govemoi 
of Tilbury Fort's daughter to be in love with the son of 
the Spanish Admiral. 

Sneer. Oh, is that all 1 

Dan. Excellent, 'ifaith ! I see it at once. But won't 
this appear rather improbable? 

Puff To be sure it will — but, what the plague ! a play 
is not to show occurrences that happen every day, but 
things just so strange, that though they never did, they 
might happen. 

Sneer. Certainly, nothing is unnatural, that is not phy 
sically impossible. 

Puff. Very tiue — and, for that matter, Don Ferolo 



«5CENE l.J 



THE CRITIC. 23 



Whiskerandos — for that's the lover's name — might have 
been over here in the train of the Spanish Ambassador ; 
or Ti'.burina, for that is the lady's name, might have been 
in love with him, from having heard his character, or seen 
his picture ; or from knowing that he was the last man 
in the world she ought to be in love with, or for any othei 
good female reason. However, sir, the fact is, that tiough 
she is but a knight's daughter, egad ! she is in love like 
any princess ! 

Dan. Poor young lady ! I feel for her already ! 

Puff\ Oh, amazing ! — her poor susceptible heart is 
6V> T ayed to and fro, by contending passions, like — 

Enter Under Prompter, l. 

Under P. Sir, the scene is set, and every thing is rea- 
dy to begin, if you please. 

Puff. 'Egad, then, we'll lose no time. 

Under P. Though, I believe, sir, you will find it very 
short, for all the performers have profited by the kiid per- 
mission you granted them. 

Pvff/Keyl what? 

Under P. You know, sir, you gave them leave to cut 
out or omit whatever they found heavy or unnecessary to 
the plot, and I must own they have taken very liberal ad- 
vantage of your indulgence. \Exit Under P., l. 

Puff. Well, well! They are in general very good judg- 
es; and I know I am luxuriant. Gentlemen, be seated. 
[Sneer and Dangle sit, l.] Now, Mr. Woodarch, [To Lead- 
er of the Band,] please to play a few bars of something 
soft, just to prepare the audience for the curtain's rising. 
[The Band strike " Bobbing Joan] very forte. 

Puff. [Having stopped them with much difficulty.} Now, 
really, gentlemen, this is unkind. I ask you to play a 
soothing air, and you strike up Bobbing Joan ! [To'Sneer, 
fyc.] These gentlemen will have their joke at rehearsal, 
you see. [To Orchestra.] Come, gentlemen, oblige me. 
{The Band play a few bars of soft music] Aye,* that's 
rght — for we have the scenes and dresses; egad, we'll 
go to it, as if it was the first night's performance ; but you 
need r.ot mind stopping between the acts. Soh ! stand 
clear, gentlemen. Now, you know there will be a cry of 
down ! — down ! — huts off! — -silence ! — Then up curtain-— 
and let us see what our painters have done for us. 



24 THE CRITIC. [Act II 

Scene II.— The curtain rises, and discovers Tilbury Fort, 
Two Sentinels asleep on the ground, c. 

Dan. Tilbury Fort ! — very fine, indeed ! 

Puff. Now^ what do you think I open with] 

Sneer. Faith, I can't guess— 

Puff. A clock. 

Sneer. A clock ! 

Puff. Hark ! — [ Clock strikes four.] I open with a cloi in 
striking, to beget an awful attention in the audience — it 
also marks the time, which is four o'clock in the morning, 
and saves a description of the rising sun, and a great deal 
about gilding the eastern hemisphere. 

Dan. But, pray, are the sentinels to be asleep 1 

Puff. Fast as watchmen. 

Sneer. Isn't that odd, though, at such an alarming cri- 
sis ? 

Puff. To be sure it is ; but smaller things must give 
way to a striking scene at the opening; that's a rule. And 
the case is, that two great men are coming to this very 
spot to begin the piece ; now, it is not to be supposed 
they would open their lips, if these fellows were watch- 
ing them ; so, egad, 1 must either have sent them off their 
posts, or set them asleep. 

Sneer. Oh, that accounts for it ! — But tell us, who are 
these coming? 

Puff. These 1 They are — Sir Walter Raleigh, and 
Sir Christopher Hatton. You'll know Sir Christopher, 
by his turning out his toes — famous, you know, for hia 
dancing. I like to preserve all the little traits of charac- 
ter. Now, attend. 

Enter Sir Christopher Hatton and Sir Walter Ra- 
leigh, r. 

1 Sir C. True, gallant Raleigh!' 
Dan. What, had they been talking before ? 
Puff. Oh, yes ; all the way as they came along. I beg 
pardon, gentlemen, [ To the Actors,] but these are parti- 
pilar friends of mine. Mr. Sneer and Mr. Dangle, Mr. 
Keeley and Mr. Meadows, both very promising gentlemen 
in their profession, I assure you. [The Actors take off their 
hats, and how very low. J I know it's against the rule to 



6.CME I! j 



THE CRITIC. 25 



introduce strangers at a rehearsal, but as they are parti- 
cular friends of mine, I thought you would excuse. Don't 
mind interrupting these fellows when any thing strikes 
you. [To Sneer and Dangle. 

4 Sir C. True, gallant Raleigh ! 
1 But oh, thou champion of thy country's fame, 
4 There is a question which I yet must ask ; 
' A question which I never asked before. 
' What mean these mighty armaments 1 
Zhis general muster'? and this throng of chiefs?' 

Sneer. Pray, Mr. Puff, how came Sir Christopher Hat- 
ten never to ask that question before ? 

Puff. What, before the play began ? How the plague 
could he 1 

Dan. That's true, 'ifaith ! 

Puff'. But you will hear what he thinks of the matter. 

' Sir C. Alas, my noble friend, when I behold' — 

Puff. [Interrupts him.] My good friend, you entirely 
forget what I told you the last rehearsal — that there was 
a particular trait in Sir Christopher's character — that he 
was famous, in Queen Elizabeth's time, for his dancing — 
pray, turn your toes out. [ With Ms foot, he pushes Sir 
C.'sfeet out, tcntil they are nearly square.] That will do- 
now, sir, proceed. 

' Sir C. Alas, my noble friend, when 1 behold 

• Yon tented plains in martial symmetry 
'Arrayed — when I count o'er yon glittering lir>es 
4 Of crested warriors — 

1 When briefly all I hear or see bears stamp 
4 Of martial preparation, and stern defence, 

* I cannot but surmise. Forgive, my friend, 
4 If the conjecture's rash' — 

Puff. [Interrupting.] A little more freedom, — if you 
please. Remember that Sir Christopher and Sir Waltei 
were on the most familiar footing. Now, as thus — 

[ Quotes the line flippantly, 
1 Sir C. [Imitates his manner.} I cannot but surmise 
Forgive, my friend, 
If the conjecture's rash — I cannot but 
'.Surmise — the state some danger apprehends!* 
Sneer. A very cautious conjecture that! 
Puff. Yes, that's his character; not to give an opinioa, 
tut on secure grounds. — Now, then 



26 THE CRITIC. [.\GT Fl 

' Sir W. Oh, most accomplished Christopher.' 
Puff. Keep up the Christopher ! ' Oh, most accom- 
plished Christopher.' He calls him by his Christian name, 
to show that they are on the most familiar terms. 

' Sir W. Oh, most accomplished Christopher, I find 
' Thy fears are just. 

' Sir C. But where, whence, when, what, which, and 
whose, 
' The danger is — methinks, I fain would learn. 

' Sir W. You know, my friend, scarce two revolving 

suns' — 
Puff. [Stopping him.] Suit the word to the action, and 
the action to the word. 
* You know, my friend, scarce two revolving suns.' 

[Passes his hands one over the other, with a circular 
motion. 
4 Sir W. [ Using the same action.] You know, my friend, 
scarce two revolving suns, 
'And three revolving moons,' — 

Puff. No, no : send your moons the other way, or 
you'll bring about an eclipse ! [Repeats the same lines 
again the second time, turning his hands the contrary way. 

* Sir W. [ Using Puff's action.] You know, my friend, 

scarce two revolving suns, 
And three revolving moons, have closed their course, 
Since haughty Philip, in despite of peace, 
With hostile hand hath struck at England's trade. 

' Sir C. 1 know it well. 

' Sir W. Philip, you know, is proud Iberia's king ! 

< Sir C. He is. 

• Sir W. You know, beside, his boasted armament, 
The famed Armada, by the Pope baptized, 

With purpose to invade these realms — 

' Sir C. Is sailed : 
Our last advices so report, 

' Sir W. While the Spanish Admiral's chief hope, 
His darling son, by chance a prisoner hath been ta'en, 
1 And in this fort of Tilbury' — 

Puff. [Mocking his tone.] ' Tilbury /' Don't speak of 
Tilbury Fort, as if it was a gin-shop! Keep up its con 
sequence, ' And in this fort of Tilbury /' 

i Sir Walter repeats the line after Puff's manner 
4 Sir C. Is now confined. 



SrcsE II.] 



THE CRITIC, 27 



' Sir W. You also know' — 

Dan. Mr. Puff, as he knows all this, why does Sir Wal- 
ter go on telling him ? 

Puff. But the audience are not supposed to know any 
thing of the matter, are they ? 

Sneer. True, but I think you manage ill : for there cer- 
tainly appears no reason why Sir Walter should be so 
communicative. 

Puff. Fore gad, now, that is one of the most ungrateful 
observations I evei heard ; for the less inducement he has 
to tell all this, the more I think you ought to be obliged 
to him ; for I am sure you'd know nothing of the matter 
without it. 

Dan. That's very true, upon my word. 

Puff. But you will find he was not going on. 

' Sir C. Enough, enough — 'tis plain — and I no more 
• Am in amazement lost !' 

Puff". Here, now, you see, Sir Christopher did not, ir 
fact, ask any one question for his own information. 

Sneer. No, indeed : his has been a most disinterested 
curiosity ! 

Dan. Really, I find, we are very much obliged to them 
both. 

Puff. To be sure you are. Now, then, for the Com- 
mander-in-Chief, the Earl of Leicester ! who, you know, 
was no favourite but of the Queen's. We left off ' in 
amazement lost !' — 

' Sir G. Am in amazement lost. 
' But see where noble Leicester comes ! supreme 
4 In honours and command.' 

Sneer. But who are these with him? 

Puff. Oh ! very valiant knights; one is the governor of 
the fort, the other the master of the horse. And now, J 
think you shall hear some better language: I was obliged 
to be plain and intelligible in the first scene, because 
there was so much matter of fact in it; but now, 'ifaith, 
you have trope, figure, and metaphor, as plenty as noun- 
substantives. 

Enter Earl of Leicester, Governor, and Master of 
the Horse, r. 

1 Lei. How's thi*, my friends ! is't thus your new-Hedged 
zeal 



28 THE CRITIC. [Act U 

* And plumed valour moulds in roosted sloth 1 

* Why dimly glimmers that heroic flame, 

' Whose reddening blaze, by patriot spirit fed, 

Should be the beacon of a kindling realm ] 
' Can the quick current of a patriot heart 
1 Thus stagnate in a cold and weedy converse, 

Or freeze in tideless inactivity ? 
' No ! rather let the fountain of your valour 
' Spring through each stream of enterprise, 
1 Each petty channel of conducive daring, 
4 Till the full torrent of your foaming wrath 

* O'erwhelm the flats of sunk hostility !' 

Puff. [Runs up and embraces him.] Allow me to intro- 
duce Mr. Horrebow to you — Mr. Dangle and Mr. Sneer, 

[Returns to l 
' Sir W. No more ! the freshening breath of thy re- 
buke 
' Hath filled the swelling canvass of our souls ! 

* And thus, though fate should cut the cable of 

[All take hands 
1 Our topmost hopes, in friendship's closing line, 

We'll grapple with despair, and if we fall, 
' We'll fall in Glory's wake ! [They part hands. 

'■-Lei. [Slowly.] There ppoke Old England's genius !' 

Puff. No, no, sir : Old England's genius never spoke 
in that way. She must be a devilish queer genius if she 
did. No, sir, keep it up. [Quotes with heroic bombast.] 
There spoke Old England's genius !' 

' Lei. [ With Puff's ?nanner.] There spoke Old Eng- 
land's genius ! 
' Then, are we all resolved ? 

' All. We are — all l esolved. 

' Lei. To conquer — or be free. 

' All. To conquer — or be free. 

♦ Lei. All 1 

'All. All !* 

Dan. Nem. con., egad ! 

Puff. Oh, yes, where they do agree on the stage, their 
rnanimity is wonderful. 

.. ' Lei Then, let's embrace — [ They embrace, ] and now'- 

[ lined s. 

Sneer. What the plague, is he going to pray I 



Scene II.] THE CRITIC. 29 

Puff- Yes, hush ! In great emergencies, there is no- 
thing like a prayer ! 

'-Lex. Oh, mighty Mars!' 

Puff. Stop, my dear sir! You do not expect to find 
Mars there. No, sir : whenever you address the gods, al- 
ways look into the upper gallery. 

' Lei. [Looking tip tc the gallery.] Oh, mighty Mars I' 
Dan But why should he pray to Mars ? 
Puff. Hush ! 
s^'Lei. Oh, mighty Mars, if, in thy homage bred, 
' Each point of discipline I've still observed ; 
1 Nor but by due promotion, and the right 
1 Of service, to the rank of Major-General 
' Have risen ;' — 

Puff. Keep up the Major-General ! [Repeats the line 
with force.] < To the rank of Major-General have risen >' 
Tip them the Major-General, pray. 
' Lei. [After Puff's manner.] To the rank of Major- 
General 
' Have risen ; assist thy votary now ! 

' Gov. [Kneels on Leicester's r.] Yet do not rise— hear 

me ! 
4 Mast, of H. [Kneels on Governor's r.] And me ! 
* Sir W. [Kneels on Leicester's r.] And me ! 
1 Sir C. [Kneels on Sir W.'s l.] And me V 
Puff. [Kneels, l.] And me! Now, mind your hits; — 
pray all together. 

* ' All. Behold thy votaries submissive beg, 

4 That thou wilt deign to grant them all they ask ;' — 
Puff. No, no, gentlemen, the emphasis is upon the 

word all. Thus : 

1 Behold thy votaries submissive beg, 

' That thou wilt deign to grant them all they ask !' 

Now, gentlemen. 

' All. Behold thy votaries submissive beg, 

• That thou wilt deign to grant them all they ask ; 
1 Assist them to accomplish all their ends, 

' And sanctify whatever means they use 
' To gain them !' 

Sneer. A very orthodox quintetto ! 

Puff. Vastly well, gentlemen, indeed, for persons who 
are not much m the habit of praying. Ts that well man- 



30 THE CRITIC. [Act II 

aged or not ? I believe you haven't such a prayer as that 
on the stage. 

S?iee?\ Not exactly. 
' Lei. [To Puff'.] But, sir, you haven't settled how we 
are to get off here. 

Puff. You could not go off kneeling, could you ? 

Lei. Oh, no, sir, impossible ! 

Puff. It would have a good effect, 'ifaith, if yoU could 
•'exeunt praying!" Yes, and would vary the established 
mode of springing off with a glance at the pit. 

Sneer. Oh, never mind : so as you get them off, I'll an- 
swer for it, the audience won't care how. 

Puff. Well, then, repeat the last line standing, and go 
off the old way. 

1 All. And sanctify whatever means we use to gain 
them. 5 [Exeunt, r. 

Dan. Bravo ! a fine exit. 

Sneer. Stay a moment. 

The Sentinels get up. 

1 1st. Sen. All this shall to Lord Burleigh's ear. 

*2d. Sen. 'Tis meet it should.' [Exeunt Sentinels, r. 

Dan. Hey ! — why, I thought those fellows had been 
asleep 1 

Puff". Only a pretence; there's the art of it; they were 
spies of Lord Burleigh's. But take care, my dear Dan- 
gle, the morning gun is going to fire. 

Dan. Well, that will have a fine effect. 

Puff". 1 think so, and helps to realize the scene. [Can- 
non, three times from battery, l.] What the plague ! — 
three morning guns ! — there never is but one ! Aye, this 
is always the way at the theatre — give these fellows a 
good thing, and they never know when to have done with 
it. You have no more cannon to fire 1 

Promp. [From within, l.] No, sir. 

Puff". Now, then, for soft music. 

Sneer. Pray what's that for 1 

Puff. It shows that Tilburina is coming ; nothing intro- 
duces you a heroine like soft music. Here she comes. 

Dan. And her confidant, I suppose 1 

Puff. To be sure : here they are — inconsolable — to the 
minuet in Ariadne ! \.S°.ft 'music in Orchestra* 



8ceheII.j THE CRITIC. 3| 

Enter Tilburina and Confidant, r. 

' Til. Now flowers unfold their beauties to the sun, 

And., blushing, kiss the beam he sends to wake them 

The striped carnation, and the guarded rose, 

''lie vulgar wall-flower, and smart gilly-flower, 

" he polyanthus mean — the dapper daisy, 

Sweet William, and sweet mariorum — and all 
' The tribe of single and of douole pinks ! 
' Now, too, the feathered warblers tune their notes 
' Around, and charm the listening grove — The lark ! 
' The linnet ! chaffinch ! bullfinch ! goldfinch ! greenfinch ! 
' — But, oh ! to me no joy can they afford ! 
' Nor rose, nor wall-flower, nor smart gilly-flower, 
1 Nor polyanthus mean, nor dapper daisy, 
'Nor William sweet, nor marjorum — nor lark, 
' Linnet, nor all the finches of the grove !' 

Puff. [Holding his handkerchief to his eyes.} Your 
white handkerchief, madam — there, if you please. 

Til. I thought, sir, I wasn't to use that 'till '< heart- 
rending woe.' 

Puff. Oh, yes, madam — at < the finches of the grove,' if 
you please, 

< Til. —Nor lark, 
1 Linnet, nor all the finches of the grove !' [Weeps 

Puff. Vastly well, madam ! ' 

Dan. Vastly well, indeed ! 

1 Til. For, oh, too sure, heart-rending woe is now 
'The lot of wretched Tilburina!' 

Dan. Oh ! 'tis too much. 

Sneer. Oh ! — it is, indeed. 

' Con. (r.) Be comforted, sweet lady — for who knows, 
But Heaven has yet some milk-white day in store. 

1 Tit. Alas, my youthful — gentle Nora, 
' Thy tender youth as yet hath never mourned 
Love's fatal dart. 

* Con. But see where your stem father comes ; 
It is not meet that he should find you thus.' 

Puff Hey, what the plague ! what a cut is here !— 
why, what is become of the description of her first meet- 
ing with Don Whiskerandos ? his gallant behav'our in the 
yea-fight, and the simile of the canary bird ? 



32 THE CRITIC. [Act 11 

TIL Indeed, sir, you'll find they will not be missed. 

Puff. Very well — very well ! 

Til. The cue, ma'am, if you please. 

* Con. It is not meet that he should find you thus. 
4 Til. Thou counsel'st right, but 'tis no easy task 

* For barefaced grief to wear a mask of joy. 

Enter Governor, r. 

* Gov, How's this — in tears 1 — O — ' 
Puff. There's a round O ! for you. 
Sneer. A capital Of 

1 Gov. Tilburina, shame ! 

* Is this a time for maudlin tenderness, 

•And Cupid's baby woes ? — hast thou not heard 

* That haughty Spain's Pope-consecrated fleet 

* Advances to our shores, while England's fate, 

* Like a clipped guinea, trembles in the scale ! 

* Til. [Seizing Governor's hand.] Then, is the crisis of 

my fate at hand ! 
I see the fleet's approach — 1 see' — 

Puff. Now, pray, gentlemen, mind. This is one of the 
most useful figures we tragedy- writers have, by which a 
hero or heroine, in consideration of their being often 
obliged to overlook things that are on the stage, is allowed 
to hear and see a number of things that are not. 

Sneer. Yes ; a kind of poetical second-sight ! 

Puff. Yes. — Now, then, madam. 

' Til. — I see their decks 
' Are cleared ! — I see the signal made ! 

* The line is formed ! — a cable's length asunder I 

* I see the frigates stationed in the rear ; 

* And now, I hear the thunder of the guns ! 

* I hear the victor's shouts — I also hear 

* The vanquished groan — and now 'tis smoke — and now 

* I see the loose sails shiver in the wind ! 

* I see — 1 see — what soon you'll see' — 

[Swoons in the Governor's arms 
Puff. [In rapture, taking Tilburina 's hand.] Mrs. Gibbs, 
allow me to introduce you to Mr. Dangle and Mr. Sneer. 
This is Mrs. Gibbs, one of the very best actresses on the 
Stage, I assure you, gentlemen. 

* Gov. Hold, daughter ! peace ! this love hath turned 

thy brain : 



Scene II.j THE CRITIC. 33 

* The Spanish fleet thou cans't nut see — because 
• — It is not yet in sight !' 

Dan. Egad, though, the Governor seems to make no 
allowance for this poetical figure you talk of 

Puff. No ; a plain matter-of-fact man ; that's his cha- 
racter. 

4 Til. But will you, then, refuse his offer ? 

' Gov. I must — I will — I can — I ought — I do. 

i Til. His liberty is all he asks* 

Puff. His liberty is all he asks.' 

Sneer. All who asks, Mr. Puff?— Who is— he ? 

Puff'. Egad, sir, I can't tell. Here has been such cut- 
ting and slashing, I don't know where they have got to 
myself. 

Til. Indeed, sir, you will find it will connect very well 

1 Til. A retreat in Spain ! 

' Gov. Outlawry here ! 

* Til. Your daughter's prayer ! 
' Gov. Your father's oath ! 

* Til. My lover ! 

* Gov. My country ! 
' Til. Tilburina ! 

* Gov. England ! 

* Til. A title ! 

* Gov. Honour ! 

* Til. A pension ! 

' Gov. Conscience ! 

* Til. A thousand pounds ! 

* Gov. [Starts.] Hah ! thou hast touched me nearly I 

* Til. Canst thou — 

' Reject the suppliant, and the daughter, too ? 

* Gov. No more ; I would not hear thee plead in vain ,• 

* The father softens — but the Governor — 

1 Is resolved ! [About to exit. 

Puff. My dear sir, give that a little more force, if you 
please — 'but the Governor's resolved/* 

1 Gov. [Imitating Puff's manner.] The father softens — 
but the governor 

* Is resolved ! [Exit, quickly, l 

4 Til. 'Tis well — hence, then, fond hopes — fond passioc 
hence ; 

* Duty, behold I am all over thine— 



34 THE CRITIC. [Act II 

' Whis. [Wit7wut,n.] Where is my love — my — behind!' 
Puff. My what ? — What's that, Mr. Penson 1 

Enter Whiskerandos, r. 

Puff. Have the goodness to let me hear t&at line again. 

' Whis. Where is my love — my behind V 

Puff. No, no, sir ! — ' Where is my love — my — behind 
the scenes' — spoken behind the scenes. 

Whis. Oh, 1 beg pardon, sir, but I assure you it is 
written so in my part. [Exit, r. — Puff crosses to Sneer 
and Dangle. 

Enter Whiskerandos, r. 

1 Whis. (r.) Where is my love — my — beauteous enemy, 

* My conquering Tilburina ! How ! is't thus 

1 We meet? Why are thy looks averse? What means 

* That falling tear — that frown of boding woe ? 
1 Hah ! now, indeed, I am a prisoner ! 

' Yes, now I feel the galling weight of these 

* Disgraceful chains — which, cruel Tilburina ! 
' Thy doating captive gloried in before. 

* But thou art false, and Whiskerandos is undone ! 

1 Til. Oh, no ; how little dost thou know thy Tilburina. 
1 Whis. Art thou, then, true 1 Begone cares, doubts, 
and fears, 

* I make you all a present to the winds ; 

And if the winds reject you — try the waves.' 
Puff. The wind, you know, is the established receiver 

of all stolen sighs, and cast-off griefs and apprehensions. 
' Til. Yet must we part 1 — Stern duty seals our doom : 

' Though here I call yon conscious clouds to witness, 

' Could I pursue the bias of my soul, 

4 All friends, all rights of parents I'd disclaim, 

* And thou, my Whiskerandos, should'st be father 

* And mother, brother, cousin, uncle, aunt, 
1 And friend to me ! 

* Whis. Oh, matchless excellence ! And must we parti 
« Well, i£ — we must — we must — and in that case 

* The less is said the better.' 

Puff. Heyday ! here's a cut ! — What ! are all the mu- 
tual pr ^testations out 1 

Til. Now, pray, sir, don't interrupt us just here ; you 
rum cur feelings ! 



Scfne IT.] THE CRITIC. 35 

Puff. Your feelings ! — but zounds, my feelings, ma'am! 

' Whis. (r.) One last embrace. 

' Til. (l.) Now — farewell for ever ! 

' Whis. For ever ! 

' Til. Aye, for ever ' [Going, r. and L. 

Puff. S'death and fury ! — Gadslife ! Sir ! Madam, I 
really can't suffer this — if you go out without the parting 
look, you might as well dance out — Here ! 

' For ever ! Aye, for ever !' 
[Holding forth his arms, as to embrace.] Give them the last 
puff of your tragedy bellows ! 

4 Whis. [ With arms extended.] For ever ! Oh ! 

1 Til. Aye, for ever, oh !' [They rush into each other's 
arms, then reluctantly part and exeunt, Whiskeran- 
dos, r., Tilburina, L. 

dm. But pray, sir, how am I to get off here 1 

Puff. You! pshaw! what the devil signifies how you 
get off ! [Pushes the Confidant off, r. — Drop scene lowers ; 
Sneer and Dangle rise. 

Dan. Oh, charming ! 

Puff. Hey ! — 'tis pretty well, I believe. You see, I 
don't attempt to strike out any thing new — but I take it 
I improve on the established modes. 

Enter Under Prompter, l. 

Under P. Sir, the carpenter says it is impossible you 
can go to the Park scene yet. 

Puff. The Park scene ! No — I mean the description 
scene here, in the wood. 

Under P. Sir, the performers have cut it out. 

Puff. Cut it out ! 

Under P. Yes, sir. 

Puff. What ! the whole account of Queen Elizabeth 1 

Under P. Yes, sir. 

Puff. And the description of her horse and side-saddle 1 

Under P. Yes, sir. 

Puff. So, so, this is very fine, indeed! Mr. Prompter, 
how the plague could you suffer this ? 

Prompter. [From within, l.] Sir, indeed, the pruning 
knife — 

Puff. The pruning knife — zounds 1 the axe ! Why, 
heie has been such lopping and topping, shan't have the 



36 THE CRITIC. [Acrll 

bare trunk of m) play left presently. Very well, sir— 
the performers must do as they please; but, upon my 
soul, I'll print it every word. 

Sneer. Tha: I would, indeed. 

Puff. Very well, sir — then, we must go on. [Exit Un- 
der Prompter, l.] Well, now, if the scene is ready — we'll 
go on. [ The Drop scene rises, and discovers a Wood scene. 
A carpet spread on the stage, and a chair in the centre.] So, 
now for my mysterious yeoman. 

Enter a Beefeater, l. s. e. 

' Beef. Perdition catch my soul, but I do love thee !' 

Sneer. Haven't I heard that line before? 

Puff. No, I fancy not. Where, pray 1 

Dan. Yes, I think there is something like it in " Othel- 
lo." 

Puff. Gad ! now you put me in mind on't, 1 believe 
there is — but that's of no consequence — all that can be 
said is, that two people happened to hit on the same 
thought — and Shakspeare made use of it first, that's all. 

Sneer. Very true. 

Puff. Now, sir, your soliloquy — but speak more to the 
pit, if you please — the soliloquy always to the pit — that'f 
a rule. 

' Beef. Though hopeless love finds comfort in despair, 
* It never can endure a rival's bliss ! 
1 But soft' — 

Puff. Put your finger to your head when you say that 
— and don't gallop off — steal cautiously off. 

1 Beef. But soft— I am observed.' 

[Exit Beefeater, stealthily, f. 

Dan. That's a very short soliloquy. 

Puff. Yes — but it would have been a great deal longer 
if he had not been observed. 

Sneer. A most sentimental Beefeater that, Mr. PufE 

Puff. Harkye — 1 would not have you to be too sure 
that he is a Beefeater. 

Sneer. What, a hero in disguise 1 

Puff. No matter — I only give you a hint. Hut now for 
my principal character — here he comes — Lord Burleigh 
in person ! Pray, gentlemen, step this way — softly — I 
only hope the Lord High Treasurer is perfect — if he it 
bul perfect ! 



Scene I I.J THE CRITIC. 37 

Enter Burleioh, l. s e., goes sloivly to the chair and sits, 

Sneer. Mr. Puff! 

Puff. Hush ! vastly well, sir ! vastly well ! a most in- 
teresting gravity ! 

Dan. What, isn't he to speak at all 1 

P u ff- E g a 4 1 thought you'd ask me that. Yes, it is a 
very likely thing, that a minister in his situation, with the 
whole affairs of the nation on his head, should have time 
to talk ! But hush ! or you'll put him out. 

Sneer. Put him out ! how the plague can that be, if 
he's not going to say anything ? 

Puff. There's a reason ! Why, his part is to think : and 
how the plague do you imagine he can think, if you keep 
talking ? r 

Dan. That's very true, upon my word ! 

[Burleigh comes forward, c, shakes his head. 

Puff. Shake your head more — more — damn it, man, 
shake your head as if there was something in it. 

^ [Burleigh shakes his head extravagantly, and exit, n. 

Sneer. He is very perfect, indeed. Now, pray whai 
did he mean by that? 

Puff. You don't take it? 

Sneer. No, I don't, upon my soul. 

Puff. Why, by that shake of the head, he gave you to 
understand, that even though they had more justice in 
their cause, and wisdom in their measures, yet, if there 
was not a greater spirit shown on the part of the people, 
the country would at last fall a sacrifice to the hostile am- 
bition of the Spanish monarchy. 

Sneer. The devil !— Did he mean all that by shaking his 
head ? 

Puff. Every word of it— if he shook his head as I 
taught him. 

Sneer. Oh, here are some of our old acquaintance. 

Enter Hatton and Raleigh, n. 

1 Str C. My niece, and your niece, too ! 
By Heaven ! there's witchcraft in't. He could not else 
Have gained their hearts. But see where they approach 
Somc'tiorrid purpose lowering on their brows! 

1 Sir W. Let us withdraw, and mark them, 

[They r 



38 THE CRITIC. [H CV II. 

'Enter the Two Nieces, r. and l. 

' 1st. Nie (l.) Ellena here ! 

* But see the proud destroyer of my peace. 

' Revenge is ail the good I've left. [Aside. 

1 2d Nie. (r.) He comes, the false disturber of my quiet 

• Now, vengeance, do thy work !' [Aside. 

Enter Whiskerandos, l. s. e. 

* Wilis. Oh, hateful liberty — if thus in vain 
' 1 seek my Tilburina ! 

' Both Nei. And ever shalt ! [Sir Christopher and Sir 
Walter come forward, r. and l. 

* Sir C. Sf Sir W. Hold ! we will avenge you. 
1 Wlvis. Hold you — or see your nieces bleed.' 

[The two Nieces draw their two daggers to strike 
Whiskerandos ; the tivo Uncles, at the instant, with 
their two swords drawn, catch their two Nieces' arms, 
and turn the points of their swords to Whiskeran- 
dos, who immediately draws two daggers, and holds 
them to the two Nieces' bosoms. 
Puff. There's situation for you ! there's an heroic 
group ! You see, the ladies can't stab Whiskerandos — 
he durst not strike them for fear of their uncles — the un- 
cles durst not kill him because of their nieces. 1 have 
them all at a dead lock ! for every one of them is afraid 
to let go first. 

Sneer. Why, then, they must stand there for ever. 
Puff. So they would, if I hadn't a very fine contrivance 
for't. Now, mind — Beef! 

Enter Beefeater, with his halberd, r. 

1 Beef In the Queen's name, I charge you all to drop 
1 Your swords and daggers !' 

[ They drop their swords and daggers. 
Sneer. That is a contrivance, indeed. 
Puff. Aye — in the Queen's name. 
' Scr C. Come, niece ! 
4 Sir W. Come, niece ! 

[Exeunt with the two Nieces, r. and t . 
1 Whis. (l.) What's he, who bids us thus renounce oiu 
guard ? 



Scese II.] THE IR1TIC 39 

4 £>e<?/! (r.) Thou must do more! renounce thy love! 
' TV his. Thou liest, base Beefeater ! 
4 2?^ Ha ! Hell ! the lie ! 
• By Heaven, thou'st roused the lion in my heart ! 
4 Off, yeoman's habit ! base disguise ! off! off! 

[Discovers himself, by throwing off his upper dress 
and appearing in a very fine shape dress. 
4 Am I a Beefeater now ? 
' Or beams my crest as terrible as when 
' In Biscay's Bay I took thy captive sloop 1 

4 Whis. I thank thee, fortune ! that hast thus bestowed 
4 A weapon to chastise this insolent. 

[Takes up one of the swords. 
4 Beef I take thy challenge, Spaniard, and I thank 
1 Thee, fortune, too ! f Takes up the other sword, 

' Whis. Vengeance and Tilburina ! 
* Beef. Exactly so ! [ They fight, and, after the usual 
number of ivounds given, Whisker andos falls. 

4 Whis. Oh, cursed parry ! The last thrust in tierce 
4 Was fatal ! Captain, thou hast fenced well ! 
4 And Whiskerandos quits this bustling scene 
' For ail eter- - 

Beef. — nity, he would have added, but stern death' — 
Puff. Oh, my dear sir, you are too slow : now mine! 
me. Sir, shall I trouble you to die again ! 

Whis. Certainly, sir! 'And Whiskerandos quits this 
bustling scene 
1 For all eter — [Rolls himself up in the carpet. 

4 Beef — nity, he would have added 1 — 
Tuff'. No, sir, that's not it : once more, if you please, 
and I'll kill you myself. 

Whis. [ Unrolling himself] I wish, sir, you would prao 
tice this without me : I can't stay dying here all night. 

[Exit, L 

Puff. Very well, we'll go over it by and by. must 
humour these gentlemen ! 

4 Beef. Farewell, brave Spaniard ! and when next' — 

Puff. Dear sir, you needn't speak that speech, as the 
body has walked off. 

Beef That's true, sir; then I'll join the fleet. 

Puff. If you please. [Exit Beefeater.] Now, enter Ti! 
burin a ' 



40 THE CRITiC. [Act N 

Sneer. Egad, the business comes on quick here. 

Puff. Yes, sir : now she comes in stark mad, in v/hita 
satin. 

Sneer. Why in white satin ? 

Puff. Oh, Lord, sir, when a heroine goes mad, she al 
ways goes into white satin — don't she, Dangle ? 

Dan. Always — it's a rule. 

Puff. Yes, here it is. [Looking at the book.] ' Entei 
Tilburina, stark mad, in white satin, and her Confidant, 
stark mad, in white linen.' 

Enter Tilburina and Confidant, r., mad, according to 
custom. 

Sneer. But what the deuce ! is the Confidant to bf mad. 
too? 

Puff. To be sure she is: the Confidant is always to do 
whatever her mistress does; weep when she weeps, 
smile when she smiles, go mad when she goes mad. Novv, 
madam Confidant — but keep your madness in the back- 
ground, if you please. 

' Til. The wind whistles — the moon rises — [Screams, 
see, 
1 They have killed my squirrel in his cage ! — [Kneels. 
1 Is this a grasshopper ? — Ha! no, it is my 

* Whiskerandos. You shall not keep him — 

* I know you have him in your breeches pocket — 

* An oyster may be crossed in love ! — Who says 
'A whale's a bird] — Ha! did you call, my love? — 
1 He's here ! — He's there ! — He's every where ! — 

'Ah me ! he's no where !' [Exit Tilburina, r. — The Con- 
fidant imitates Tilburina, and exit, R. 

Puff'. There ! do you ever desire to see any body mad 
der than that ? 

Sneer. Never, while I live ! And, pray, what becomes 
of her ? 

Puff. She is gone to throw herself into the sea, to bo 
8Ure — ail d that brings us at once to the scene of action, 
and so to my catastrophe — my sea-fight, I mean. 

Sneer. What, you bring that in at last ? 

Puff. Yes, yes"; you know my play is salUJi the Spa 
%ish Aimada. otherwise, egad, I have no occasion for the 



SCENK II. J 



TFlf CRITIC. i \ 



battle at all. Now, then, for my magnificence ! my bat- 
tle ! my noise ! and my procession 1 You are all read) 1 
Promp. \ Within, L.J "Yes, sir. 

well. Now, then, change the scene, and 
ar grand display. 

scene changes to a view of the Spanish Armada, 

in close action with the British fleet. Music plays 

" Britons strike home." Spanish fleet destroyed by 

fire-ships fyc. English fleet advances — Music plays 

" Rule Britannia." D\ is scene, Puff directs 

and applauds every thu . 

Well, pretty well — but not quite perfect ; so, ladies and 

gentlemen, if you please, we'll rehearse this piece again 

on the first opportunity. [Curtain drops. 

DISPOSITION OF THE CHAP. A- ! FALL U-' THE 

CURT, 

Puyf. Sneer. Danuls. f& 



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